I N S I D E - O U T

Dear Sheppie,

Okies, I should totally account. Don't worry, this time is not because I'm forced to or anything. But yes, I DO want to account this time.

By the way, sorry about the waffle. I bought it before knowing that you had a heavy breakfast. You know what? Next tym I will juz stick 2 snacks -.- Justina saw it when we were assembling for prayer meet, & she said we 2 keep buying each other stuff. Louis was like, why? You jealous arh? lols...

Anyway I was feeling happy in the morning. I woke up at 5.30am, according to the plan that I set myself. Then I did Othello questions. & we had prayer meet. Obviously u were late. =.= lols. & Louis told me about Wit week. (Is that how u spell it?O.o)

Ok I realise I can't account properly here. Coz this is still a public blog. -.-

nvm... ok, in short, I was having doubts. Becoz I didn't understand why we had 2 fast. & well... nobody really explained to me. So I was quite lost... & I didn't know who to ask. I felt like asking CY but he was looking so sick. & you were in a hurry to get to class. So I left to go meet my Hon at the marquee. & I just thought about it. & I was quite confused. I asked Hon what fasting was about. She told me that there are different types of fasting. Got like, entertainment fasting & liquid fasting or total fasting. So I was like... huh? O.o

So I was like, ok... so what type am I supposed to follow? Louis said to pick a day. So I assumed that it was liquid fast for a whole day. & then that day we r supposed to be more evangelistic so we had to choose a day that is like, meet more people 1. So I chose thursday. Becoz it's like the day that I can see more people. & tuesday got PE afternoon one. So I won't be able to stand it. Then monday was out of the way because I already ate breakfast after prayer meet. Wednesday & Friday got CCA. I need all the energy I can get. So thursday was like... the ideal choice.

Then I was feeling quite upset. Coz I...

I know it's wrong. But I don't believe in evangalism. Becoz I think not all of them out there are willing to receive Him. I mean, I know His love and I really want to share it with others, becoz it is really so noble & it works miracles. But then.... -.- I think they need to at least be interested. & unfortunately, I don't think the people around me are. I told this to Michael. & he said that he actually agrees. I should reach out to those who need Him more. & I shouldn't invite people just for the sake of inviting. It's like... U want me to invite, I invite. But they won't believe lah. Michael always gives good advice. He says, u might not be able to make them believe, but what u'll do is to plant a seed in their heart. & others in their life will come to water their seed. & He will do His work on them. I totally agreed.

But ... I was still feeling quite stressed. I was lost & confused. I didn't understand. Why do we need to prove our faith in Him through fasting? Why must we be so desperate to spread His love? I only want to reach out to those I can really tell need Him. Then I asked Hon. Am I a bad christian? Am I doing things wrongly?

Hon told me that I wasn't. That some people don't believe in evangelism also. It's like... we believe that those who need Him will come to us. He will lead them to us. Yes, we will do our part. But she said her way of serving Him is to obey His Word & maintain a strong relationship with Him. She told me that she hopes people can see the magic that He has done in her life and see His love. But I still felt terrible. I feel like I've been asked to prove my faith through such stuff, through fasting & getting people to convert. (Becoz of something someone said that is totally weighing down on my mind all the way from when it was said even up till now) I get the feeling that nobody believes that I believe in Him if I don't do all those.

I don't know why it's such a terrible feeling for me. I really felt so bugged down by it. Because I didn't like e feeling of having to prove my faith by doing these. I didn't understand. I asked Elliot (he was cradle baptised) & then he explained to me why we had to fast. That it makes us stronger spiritually in a way. But it's up to you whether you want to do it or not. this question just kept bugging me. Why? Why must we do it this week? I didn't understand at all. I just kept doubting. Why must we choose a day? Why must it be compulsory?

Maybe I've got all the wrong concepts already. -.- Elliot was telling me, that yes, it is something that you should do out of your own will. I was like... haix. But I was still feeling terrible throughout the whole of Lit double period. I felt so... tired & drained. & depressed. You know what? All I really wanted to do was to like... stop. to give up. I didn't want to continue anymore. I don't want to serve in a care group any more. Why can't I love Him in my own way? Hon is from City Harvest, she's not in any cell group, but her relationship wif Him is also strong. She can speak in tongues also. I don't want to do things that I don't want to do. I don't want to do things for the sake of doing them. It was like... I just totally wanted to give up because I was tired. I wanted to love Him in my own way.

So I was feeling very very depressed. After lit, Hon went to history lesson. I was at the marquee table with yixiu, yvonne and sijie. I was supposed to start on my lit homework. but i didn't. I couldn't concentrate at all. All those doubts were going through my head. Yes, I can feel His love, I know He is always there but why? why? What was it for? Why must it be like that? Why can't we love in our own way?

Hon told me that when u haf a relationship wif sum1. She took sijie for example. She treats Sijie differently, I treat Sijie differently. Our love for Sijie is expressed in different ways. Like, she always talks to Sijie & jokes with her. I'm always poking Sijie & teasing her by calling her Sibang. (coz she always 'bangs' people) Hon was explaining that a relationship with Him should be like that. You express your love in different ways. ultimately it is that relationship that you form with Him that is important. Not caring about how others perceive you or doubt your faith.

So I was like...so confused & overwhelmed. So I decided ok, that was it. I wasn't gona continue like that. I took out the Bible & I blasted worship songs in my mp3. I prayed. I prayed that God will give me an answer through His Word. I prayed for strength to overcome these.

& then, I opened the book, just by randomly picking any page. & then, what I read just totally struck me. Coz I really could tell it was Him speaking to me.

25 "To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.
26 Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.
27 Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God"?
28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

That was it. It was all it took to get me to really lose it. I was like... Oh my sky, that is like totally an answer & an encouragement. I couldn't carry on coz I was crying. I left the table & went to a corner to try to get a hold on myself. & then Yixiu came. Thank Him for Yixiu who followed. Becoz I duno what else would have happened

I think it's all Daddy's plan. He knows I'm upset & tired, & I need someone to talk to. I couldn't tell Yixiu what was wrong. I could only cry. Then she tried to explain it all to me. She told me that there are many moments she goes through that make her want to give up. So many responsibilities & the commitment to church is driving her nuts. We talked & I asked her some of my questions. She answered them. I felt slightly better after that. Although I'm still ... I duno how 2 describe it. But yah, I was still thinking about it.l

Then after I stopped crying, Yixiu was telling me about Cindy. the one u told me about. She was telling me about her and xianjue. Then she told me that she can feel that you love me a lot. -.- LOLS. Actually, I've never doubted that. I just feel so... I duno how to say. touched? & then I cried again. -.- see lah =.= u make me cry lorhs -.-

After that, I was able to be more cheerful. Sijie really spreads happiness. I love being around her so much. I love Hon so much because she is always there for me. & now, I'd like to apologise to you for not calling you. But then again... it was all quite sudden & I didn't even noe how 2 react. Much less think of calling you.

Although I'm feeling better now. hey wait, it's so ironic. this morning I was just tellin u 2 haf faith & then immediately after that I lost practically all my faith. Although the faith that He is always there for me is still there.

I don't like having to prove something... Why should someone try to test my relationship with Him by asking me to do something?

I still don't understand. I don't like the feeling at all... T.T Ok, i'm going to start crying again... I love Daddy, but I don't understand... I really don't. Why can't I serve in my own way?

just now during dinner, I very tactlessly told my parents that I was fasting on thursday. & then guess what... now they think that i'm in some christian cult that forces people to fast. Becoz I din really understand why myself, I was unable to explain to them. Yes, it's a horrible chain of events. My father was very pissed. My mother was very pissed also. She asked what for? what's the point. I said to remind myself to spread the word of Him to others. & she was totally angry. she was like, what for? I don't object to u visiting church ocassionally, but this is getting out of hand. I was like -.- oh my sky... plz lorh

then my father said what... They never consider people's physical condition & get people to suffer. (Coz I used to haf gastric problems) So they were very worried about me. I can totally understand where they are coming from. & I didn't know what to say. So i was like... ok, I will moderate. If I'm hungry, I will just eat, ok? & tat got them unhappy still. They refused to let me do that. they said I shouldn't damage my body.

So I was like.. =.= then I went to continue typing this entry after dinner. & my father called me to go to the kitchen. He asked me if I want a boyfriend desperately. Obviously my mother told him that I go church because of CY. Which is seriously like =.= I really really couldn't stand it. It was so preposterous! I felt so maligned. I don't understand why they are like that. How can they think like that? Then my father said that I am being close-minded to religion. I'm becoming biased towards christianity. I was like =.= what... Then he say, I am so young got A levels, shouldn't get a boyfriend. PLEASE LORH.. -.- I felt so incredulous at their accusations that I was totally speechless. I refused to talk. Coz I knew if I talked I would quarrel with them. I am so upset with them. I thought they'd understand. I really really thought that they would know that I of all people have problems really trusting guys. I am so upset that this is what they think of their daughter. They think that I'm this desperate person who is like, all out to get a boyfriend. This is what they think of me. I really really am so disappointed I instantly felt like crying. But I didn't. Coz my father will think that it's because I really am going out with CY, which is like, 100% so far from the truth ... I am so sad. really so upset with them. & yah... my father was like saying I shouldn't let people make use of my weakness to get me to commit to stuff. & he say what I go church coz I like the company there only.

WHAT THE- =.= I couldn't stand that ok!!! I said, NO, is coz I like going. I like going to listen. & he said I am being biased, I too young to decide what religion I want. I could tell this was not going to get anywhere. So I said, I am already open to religion. I already know about the religions. & he asked, do u know what the muslims believe? Do you know what the buddhists believe? & I was like.. yes. He said, no you don't. I was totally like... what the - How can you like that say O.o

So I left the conversation soon after. Becoz I knew it was impossible to talk some sense into them.

Why is this happening to me? O.o like all in 1 single day? o.O

Daddy, why are you testing me now? Can you wait for another 1 month to test me?! I'm like ... so lost & I duno what to do now.

God, please give me the strength to do what is right.

God, please bless my family & make them understand.

I know this is all for my growth but... I really can't stand any of this. I need advice. But I don't want to trouble u with my troubles. Becoz I can tell u r troubled also.

Daddy can you please help me?

I feel so helpless & sad

6:45 PM;
to love You from the inside out

x x x x x x

x
x
x
x
x
x