Hello sheepy. Sorry i didn't come early for prayer meet. Pai seh... Quite bad of me...Thanks for the waffle even though i was like super full and couldn't eat it. The thought counts! Hahaha, nobody has ever bought me a waffle at a correct timing. So you're not the only one! Even though they have tried. Cause i must be hungry + I must feel like eating waffle + I must not be going home to eat dinner. And i only eat waffles in the afternoon. Haha so its like, to get me a waffle when i wanna eat it is like 1 out of dunno how many thousand chances. I' m soo fussy.
Anyway, i know that following God isn't easy. For myself, i have wanted to give up like so many times. There are times when i have gotten so angry and upset, i refused to listen to mp3 and talk things out with God but simply wanted to walk away. There are times when i find that God isn't there, and he doesn't care. But i stayed, despite the difficulties and the things i couldn't comprehend. He's worth it. Remember his goodness and his love and things don't look so difficult then. Haha.. Thanks for like accounting to me =] And no need buy stuff for me to eat la... Hahaha, i don't expect anything in return. If u really want, just write me postcards, i'm happy with that already. But if u want to know what i like, I dun mind choc. (I dun like choc with nuts though, choc with raisins are nice though) But pls dun like spam me choc!! If u really have to, like once in a YEAR is fine. Haha.. OKay i have to like study for Chem SPA and like do lyrics for CG 2morrow. Ahhhh, kinda packed nowadays. Hehe.. End off with a verse
Hebrews 11:6
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
Love Sheppy
9:50 PM;
to love You from the inside out
Dear Sheppie,
Okies, I should totally account. Don't worry, this time is not because I'm forced to or anything. But yes, I DO want to account this time.
By the way, sorry about the waffle. I bought it before knowing that you had a heavy breakfast. You know what? Next tym I will juz stick 2 snacks -.- Justina saw it when we were assembling for prayer meet, & she said we 2 keep buying each other stuff. Louis was like, why? You jealous arh? lols...
Anyway I was feeling happy in the morning. I woke up at 5.30am, according to the plan that I set myself. Then I did Othello questions. & we had prayer meet. Obviously u were late. =.= lols. & Louis told me about Wit week. (Is that how u spell it?O.o)
Ok I realise I can't account properly here. Coz this is still a public blog. -.-
nvm... ok, in short, I was having doubts. Becoz I didn't understand why we had 2 fast. & well... nobody really explained to me. So I was quite lost... & I didn't know who to ask. I felt like asking CY but he was looking so sick. & you were in a hurry to get to class. So I left to go meet my Hon at the marquee. & I just thought about it. & I was quite confused. I asked Hon what fasting was about. She told me that there are different types of fasting. Got like, entertainment fasting & liquid fasting or total fasting. So I was like... huh? O.o
So I was like, ok... so what type am I supposed to follow? Louis said to pick a day. So I assumed that it was liquid fast for a whole day. & then that day we r supposed to be more evangelistic so we had to choose a day that is like, meet more people 1. So I chose thursday. Becoz it's like the day that I can see more people. & tuesday got PE afternoon one. So I won't be able to stand it. Then monday was out of the way because I already ate breakfast after prayer meet. Wednesday & Friday got CCA. I need all the energy I can get. So thursday was like... the ideal choice.
Then I was feeling quite upset. Coz I...
I know it's wrong. But I don't believe in evangalism. Becoz I think not all of them out there are willing to receive Him. I mean, I know His love and I really want to share it with others, becoz it is really so noble & it works miracles. But then.... -.- I think they need to at least be interested. & unfortunately, I don't think the people around me are. I told this to Michael. & he said that he actually agrees. I should reach out to those who need Him more. & I shouldn't invite people just for the sake of inviting. It's like... U want me to invite, I invite. But they won't believe lah. Michael always gives good advice. He says, u might not be able to make them believe, but what u'll do is to plant a seed in their heart. & others in their life will come to water their seed. & He will do His work on them. I totally agreed.
But ... I was still feeling quite stressed. I was lost & confused. I didn't understand. Why do we need to prove our faith in Him through fasting? Why must we be so desperate to spread His love? I only want to reach out to those I can really tell need Him. Then I asked Hon. Am I a bad christian? Am I doing things wrongly?
Hon told me that I wasn't. That some people don't believe in evangelism also. It's like... we believe that those who need Him will come to us. He will lead them to us. Yes, we will do our part. But she said her way of serving Him is to obey His Word & maintain a strong relationship with Him. She told me that she hopes people can see the magic that He has done in her life and see His love. But I still felt terrible. I feel like I've been asked to prove my faith through such stuff, through fasting & getting people to convert. (Becoz of something someone said that is totally weighing down on my mind all the way from when it was said even up till now) I get the feeling that nobody believes that I believe in Him if I don't do all those.
I don't know why it's such a terrible feeling for me. I really felt so bugged down by it. Because I didn't like e feeling of having to prove my faith by doing these. I didn't understand. I asked Elliot (he was cradle baptised) & then he explained to me why we had to fast. That it makes us stronger spiritually in a way. But it's up to you whether you want to do it or not. this question just kept bugging me. Why? Why must we do it this week? I didn't understand at all. I just kept doubting. Why must we choose a day? Why must it be compulsory?
Maybe I've got all the wrong concepts already. -.- Elliot was telling me, that yes, it is something that you should do out of your own will. I was like... haix. But I was still feeling terrible throughout the whole of Lit double period. I felt so... tired & drained. & depressed. You know what? All I really wanted to do was to like... stop. to give up. I didn't want to continue anymore. I don't want to serve in a care group any more. Why can't I love Him in my own way? Hon is from City Harvest, she's not in any cell group, but her relationship wif Him is also strong. She can speak in tongues also. I don't want to do things that I don't want to do. I don't want to do things for the sake of doing them. It was like... I just totally wanted to give up because I was tired. I wanted to love Him in my own way.
So I was feeling very very depressed. After lit, Hon went to history lesson. I was at the marquee table with yixiu, yvonne and sijie. I was supposed to start on my lit homework. but i didn't. I couldn't concentrate at all. All those doubts were going through my head. Yes, I can feel His love, I know He is always there but why? why? What was it for? Why must it be like that? Why can't we love in our own way?
Hon told me that when u haf a relationship wif sum1. She took sijie for example. She treats Sijie differently, I treat Sijie differently. Our love for Sijie is expressed in different ways. Like, she always talks to Sijie & jokes with her. I'm always poking Sijie & teasing her by calling her Sibang. (coz she always 'bangs' people) Hon was explaining that a relationship with Him should be like that. You express your love in different ways. ultimately it is that relationship that you form with Him that is important. Not caring about how others perceive you or doubt your faith.
So I was like...so confused & overwhelmed. So I decided ok, that was it. I wasn't gona continue like that. I took out the Bible & I blasted worship songs in my mp3. I prayed. I prayed that God will give me an answer through His Word. I prayed for strength to overcome these.
& then, I opened the book, just by randomly picking any page. & then, what I read just totally struck me. Coz I really could tell it was Him speaking to me.
25 "To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.
26 Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.
27 Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God"?
28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
That was it. It was all it took to get me to really lose it. I was like... Oh my sky, that is like totally an answer & an encouragement. I couldn't carry on coz I was crying. I left the table & went to a corner to try to get a hold on myself. & then Yixiu came. Thank Him for Yixiu who followed. Becoz I duno what else would have happened
I think it's all Daddy's plan. He knows I'm upset & tired, & I need someone to talk to. I couldn't tell Yixiu what was wrong. I could only cry. Then she tried to explain it all to me. She told me that there are many moments she goes through that make her want to give up. So many responsibilities & the commitment to church is driving her nuts. We talked & I asked her some of my questions. She answered them. I felt slightly better after that. Although I'm still ... I duno how 2 describe it. But yah, I was still thinking about it.l
Then after I stopped crying, Yixiu was telling me about Cindy. the one u told me about. She was telling me about her and xianjue. Then she told me that she can feel that you love me a lot. -.- LOLS. Actually, I've never doubted that. I just feel so... I duno how to say. touched? & then I cried again. -.- see lah =.= u make me cry lorhs -.-
After that, I was able to be more cheerful. Sijie really spreads happiness. I love being around her so much. I love Hon so much because she is always there for me. & now, I'd like to apologise to you for not calling you. But then again... it was all quite sudden & I didn't even noe how 2 react. Much less think of calling you.
Although I'm feeling better now. hey wait, it's so ironic. this morning I was just tellin u 2 haf faith & then immediately after that I lost practically all my faith. Although the faith that He is always there for me is still there.
I don't like having to prove something... Why should someone try to test my relationship with Him by asking me to do something?
I still don't understand. I don't like the feeling at all... T.T Ok, i'm going to start crying again... I love Daddy, but I don't understand... I really don't. Why can't I serve in my own way?
just now during dinner, I very tactlessly told my parents that I was fasting on thursday. & then guess what... now they think that i'm in some christian cult that forces people to fast. Becoz I din really understand why myself, I was unable to explain to them. Yes, it's a horrible chain of events. My father was very pissed. My mother was very pissed also. She asked what for? what's the point. I said to remind myself to spread the word of Him to others. & she was totally angry. she was like, what for? I don't object to u visiting church ocassionally, but this is getting out of hand. I was like -.- oh my sky... plz lorh
then my father said what... They never consider people's physical condition & get people to suffer. (Coz I used to haf gastric problems) So they were very worried about me. I can totally understand where they are coming from. & I didn't know what to say. So i was like... ok, I will moderate. If I'm hungry, I will just eat, ok? & tat got them unhappy still. They refused to let me do that. they said I shouldn't damage my body.
So I was like.. =.= then I went to continue typing this entry after dinner. & my father called me to go to the kitchen. He asked me if I want a boyfriend desperately. Obviously my mother told him that I go church because of CY. Which is seriously like =.= I really really couldn't stand it. It was so preposterous! I felt so maligned. I don't understand why they are like that. How can they think like that? Then my father said that I am being close-minded to religion. I'm becoming biased towards christianity. I was like =.= what... Then he say, I am so young got A levels, shouldn't get a boyfriend. PLEASE LORH.. -.- I felt so incredulous at their accusations that I was totally speechless. I refused to talk. Coz I knew if I talked I would quarrel with them. I am so upset with them. I thought they'd understand. I really really thought that they would know that I of all people have problems really trusting guys. I am so upset that this is what they think of their daughter. They think that I'm this desperate person who is like, all out to get a boyfriend. This is what they think of me. I really really am so disappointed I instantly felt like crying. But I didn't. Coz my father will think that it's because I really am going out with CY, which is like, 100% so far from the truth ... I am so sad. really so upset with them. & yah... my father was like saying I shouldn't let people make use of my weakness to get me to commit to stuff. & he say what I go church coz I like the company there only.
WHAT THE- =.= I couldn't stand that ok!!! I said, NO, is coz I like going. I like going to listen. & he said I am being biased, I too young to decide what religion I want. I could tell this was not going to get anywhere. So I said, I am already open to religion. I already know about the religions. & he asked, do u know what the muslims believe? Do you know what the buddhists believe? & I was like.. yes. He said, no you don't. I was totally like... what the - How can you like that say O.o
So I left the conversation soon after. Becoz I knew it was impossible to talk some sense into them.
Why is this happening to me? O.o like all in 1 single day? o.O
Daddy, why are you testing me now? Can you wait for another 1 month to test me?! I'm like ... so lost & I duno what to do now.
God, please give me the strength to do what is right.
God, please bless my family & make them understand.
I know this is all for my growth but... I really can't stand any of this. I need advice. But I don't want to trouble u with my troubles. Becoz I can tell u r troubled also.
Daddy can you please help me?
I feel so helpless & sad
6:45 PM;
to love You from the inside out
I had a nice QT in the morning since your were late. I invited YX and XJ cause YX came up with the idea, so i okay la, just meet. Haha, didn't tell you they were coming oops. Sry, kinda slipped my mind. Haha.. Anyway 2day i went for green-day positively cause it was like a good opportunity to know the Jc1's. So anyway i mixed around alot and got to know the Jc1's better. Was kinda cool, cause i was like, "yay, i know more ppl. can bring them to know God." But it was like, i only knew them surfacely and not like good pals. Hope some of them are in guitar =) Then i can get to know them better. I know 3 guys and 5 girls. Lol quite little. But my memory space for names not very big. Haha
Anyway I think this is one verse, i really want you to read and understand. Young here refers to Spiritually young. 1 Timothy 4:12
12Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
Hey its perfectly fine if your hon wants to join our CG, we more than welcome her =) It'll be fine. Haha, u just have to tell us like one day in advance minimum if she's like coming for CG on the next day...After all we are all Christians and serve the same God^_^
Okay, i'm abit off in my mood 2day. So i'll blog another time. Sorry its kinda short.
Love ya sheepy.
11:59 PM;
to love You from the inside out
Jiayou chionging work 2! I know we're all busy. I've sort of been acting like I'm the only one with troubles! -.- which is so NOT true at all! (although homework troubles are easiest to solve out of all x_x) Anyway, this morning was so funny! I was talking to xiu 2dae after class CIP in bedok central kfc, & she told me actually today xianjue & her pangsey us!! I was lyk... HUH? Got meh? O.o seems lyk u wanted we 4 2 meet 2geder in e morning .__. I din exactly noe about that -.- LOLSAnyway, I felt quite sad (not to mention shocked) after hearing about pastor shirley's story. Dun worry lahs, I wun like that 1 ^^ But then I guess... Some people really lack love lahs .__. so their way of wanting love from others is quite extreme. I think I can understand. But then I don't think it's worth dying for. I think if the people around her r unable 2 4gif her, then they are really not the ones who truly love her. I think what she lacks is confidence, coz she doesnt really feel lyk ppl love her unless they are concerned when she's sick or make a fuss over her. Anyway, I thought we can't end our lives ourselves? Won't we go to hell like that? It's not worth it. I think she wouldn't have done that if there was someone she really 100% trusted & could turn to no matter what. [".] HmM yah. Juz felt lyk it's been weighing down on my mind so wana reflect a bit. Okies, I sure dun wana end up lidat. & I believe I won't. Even if there's no1 there for me anymore, (that totally won't happen, coz I'm so nice, & ppl juz adore me! LOLS xP hahas~ It's true what! ^^) I still have God. I believe that His love is enough. & yah... I don't think anything is worth ending ur life over. Then again, when someone is depressed, really cannot think so much. sad until can't stand it= can't think straight = just lose urself inside e depressing thoughts. It's lyk this huge spiral. Hahas, lucky I dun haf this problem, can juz listen 2 praise & worship songs. Or happy chinese pop songs ^^ hahas, I used 2 "emo" alot early in e morning 1. But yah... after getting to know Him better, I refuse to let myself be emo. If I ever am emo, I will juz go & find my friend! Haix... why she so cute & nice 1?! LOLSbtw... my Hon asks if she can join our care group occasionally, does it matter that she's frm city harvest church & not ours? Coz I dun think can right? So I told her I'd ask u. Hope u can see this soon & tell me. x_x that'll be left up to God's will already. Anyway, she also has a lot to learn. Becoz although she's very old spiritually, she's almost as clueless as me! -.- ironic but true. lols.OKies, y m I bloggin here? hahas~ coz i type faster than I rite postcards! LOLS, anyway, thanks 2 u, I'm getting rid of alot of my large collection of postcards that I collected but never use! LOLS xD thanks arh~~~ x) anyway, I realised e homework due tmr is within manageable ability. ^^ So yah, can afford 2 be here. xDAnyway, after class CIP, we ended at 3pm by the way. (Stupid lorry!) But nvm, I'm not pissed, juz a small bit irritated it took so long to come 2 us 2 cum collect our stuff. ^^ anyway, we bonded by playing games while waiting! & we bonded by helping each other out as we moved e stuff & worked together to collect stuff. I was in a group wif 2 nice j1 gals from 2708. But later I got transferred to another team with a girl called Daphne. then she was talking loudly on the phone to her friend, & I found out that she's from New Creation! She's also christian! hahas~ so cool! ^^ Yups x_x so happy we got common belief! I think we can click well. She's really nice.Speaking of which, I was attacked by a little black kitten while collecting newspapers. shan't elaborate. 4 details, approach the victim directly. LOLS, create suspenseI was saying...!!!! After class CIP, we went to kfc to eat. but most people left one by one. Then some of the christians in my class were talking. He doesn't like these people. So he's finding it hard not to hate them when a guy says something mean. I tried to point out that sometimes he's juz kidding. So it like... don't take it seriously. & we shouldn't let hate invade our hearts. So Michael & Evelyn (student council secretary) offered their valuable advice. It was so interesting hearing them talk. I'm lyk... *in awe* cool! Okies, I shall seek their advice more from now on. LOLS x) of course I'll seek ur advice also lahs~ ^^I had fun bonding with my class. Thank God for this opportunity. & I got to know Daphne, Lin Yu & Naomi. ^^I started asking the friends in my clique to evangalist service. & they are quite reluctant to go. I'm seriously not surprised. I was trying to convince them when Daddy gently reminded me that I'm saying a lot of wrong things. So I was lyk -.- haix... nvm liaos, sian, dun wana ask already. O.o no lahs -.- of course not. I was just reflecting. how 2 say so that they won't get e wrong message & I don't have e wrong mindset?I duno why. Although I'm perfectly well aware of how much God loves all of us... I don't think everyone can feel it. I want the people around me to feel it. I want them to be saved. But there's this nagging feeling that keeps shouting out to me. Nobody can really believe unless they are really a little interested in finding out in the first place. .___. I guess that applied to me. I was slightly curious when I first went to church. & it was a weird experience =.= Some went before & had not found it very nice. obviously is not my church lahs. but they juz keep thinking it'll be e same. DUNO HOW! =.= I'm suddenly reminded of last night when CY was telling me that it's e wrong mindset to keep thinking that u cant do much coz u r new believer & still need to grow alot. BUT I do need to grow alot & I really really duno what to say or answer certain questions people ask me even till now. I juz realised I'm 3 weeks old already. -.- this is terrible! I've only finished 1 book! I'm SO SLOW CAN???ok tired liaos. Go do homework & sleep. See u tmr 4 prayer meet! ^^ God bless~~~ Luv, Chloe
11:13 PM;
to love You from the inside out
Okay! Finally i got the blog to work. So troublesome... But at least yay!! It is up! Sheepy you very naughty.... You supposed to be sleeping, but u are talking and blogging! Haha, i tell u 2morrow we both confirm die lor. So late but still haven't sleep... Especially have to meet in school at 7.10am I think we will just meet in the morning to sleep. And then at 7.40 we pray tt God give us strength so that we will not sleep! >_< Haha Anyway, 2morrow is Go-Green-Day. So its like time to spend with our friends and even with our Junior class. So lets make more friends so we can bring more people to know God!
At least your waffle 2day is strawberry. Imagine if choc again. Lols!! Guess what? I think 2day i very greedy.... EAT ALOT. I ate an Eclair at Delifrance! Chocolate! So yummy. ^_^Then i ate mac, and another Delifrance bread. But hehe, no real dinner. No wonder quite hungry right now! Lol i dunno what to blog down liao... My brain abit not working. Cos its like late. Hehe...So just wanna make a short prayer for you.
Dear God i really pray that you will bless my sheep. That 2morrow is gonna be a busy day. Especially with all the work that she has to do. I pray that you will give her the strength to do her work finish, you will give her the strength to keep awake when she is tired. God, also let 2morrow be a day, where we can mix more with our juniors and friends to get to know them better and ultimately share your gospel with them. I pray all these in your name. Amen.
Sheppy
1:25 AM;
to love You from the inside out
Okies, this is my 1st entry here!! WAHOO!!! *fireworks blast* *fanfare plays in background* YAY!Hiieee, Sheppie!! ^^ HOW R U?I ate waffles! No spillage, coz it was strawberry!!! Boo 4 chocolate which stains my skirt plus shirt! -.- HAIXAnyway, tmr is go green day! YAY!! On a Sunday! Isn't it lyk the Sabbath? When we r supposed 2 rest?!?! WHY???? Oh well -.- What 2 do... Daddy arrange 1. What 2 do? O.o obey lorhs~ x_x stupid question. Daddy say 1 who dare dun do -.- then that person is really oh-my-skyly (new word from Chloe-tionary -hahas! that 1 oso new word!-) disobedient!!! naughty! (quoting CY) LOLS x_x Okies, I'm tired. BUT I shall continue blogging! ^^ I juz heard Eldrick (is it spelt like this?) is gona convert this coming saturday!! WAHOO! I'm not e youngest already! ^^ YAY~~ xD hahas~ I remember him as e gentleman who help me carry my 7kg bag. But I still can't really click with him. I realise I can't click instantly with SO MANY PEOPLE at 1st -.- as in, I find it hard 2 talk 2 em. We run out of topics. So I just keep silent & wait for him/her to think of topics. =.= okie, i noe it's not correct T.T sobs... not I want 1!!! [".]YAY! my group composed a song 2dae!!! With entirely original lyrics & tune! COOL right? I felt it was so meaningful. They invited this NTU composing team to teach us. WOW they are super cool! They can compose such nice songs & with such great lyrics! Our song won the best tune! YAY~~~ I haf it recorded in my handphone. Let u hear someday. But it's in chinese lahs x_x e tune is super catchy! The NTU people are damn good at guitar plz! they can listen 2 our song & then juz improvise & come up with such nice guitar accompanyment that is lyk, instantly think 1 but is still SUPER NICE! This guy struck me e most. But I 4got his name. He wrote this song. About a guy singing love songs. His girlfriend left for abroad. He wrote a tune & she promised 2 fill in the lyrics for that song. But yah... she left lorhs. & so he's left alone singing love songs that don't belong to him 4 couples. & singing this song that has no lyrics only has tune. SAD can! & I can totally 100% tell that it is a true story. so sad!!! T.Tnvm -.- so randombut yah... I miss playing guitar T.Tnvm~~shall relearn after A levels! ^^ okies, end wif quotes!! xDWhen you look into the sky, you cannot see God, but if you look into your heart, you can.If you forget to forgive, you have forgotten you are forgiven. Unless we rely on God's power within us, we will yield to the pressures around us.To know God is to live.God's promises are like the stars: the darker the night, the brighter they shine.
12:54 AM;
to love You from the inside out
@$#%@^$!#%
i love typing gibberish!:D
